


Objectivised Lust Muffin

by somerandomperson



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 09:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1261189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somerandomperson/pseuds/somerandomperson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is a lust muffin, Merlin thinks he's overcompensating and they're both dessert ...... literally</p>
            </blockquote>





	Objectivised Lust Muffin

**Author's Note:**

> Crack!fic 
> 
> There was an interview with Bradley James ages ago where the interviewer called him an objectivised lust muffin, many many many cocktails with my friend later this crack!fic was born. I regret nothing.

Merlin is a granola bar and he's a display granola bar at that. He can't just be any old granola bar oh no, he's a gluten free, diary free, heart healthy, high fibre, fair trade, organic granola bar who sits out on top of the display case artfully arranged to lure people into buying a healthy option to go with the beverage of their choice. 

Valentine’s day is a non-holiday, according to Merlin, the coffee shop gets decked out in red hearts and streamers and they promote stupid drinks such as the raspberry iced smoothie just because it's pink and don't get Merlin started on the novelty confection items. There’s the usual chocolate hearts and heart shaped cookies with red icing but this year there's a new item on the menu which has the rest of the cakes and desserts more whipped up than cream on a mocha.

There on the top of the presentation stand was, in Merlin’s opinion, a prime example of the inane over indulgence of this parody of a holiday. The Valentine’s Day “lust muffin” complete with the shop’s naff tag line ‘want it, desire it, have it’ (well it beat last years slogan “put a smile on that mug”). The “lust muffin” was a Triple chocolate muffin with hunks of chocolate and mocha icing, topped with dark chocolate shavings and looked as delicious as the poster and stupid name promised. Merlin could hear the excitement around him as they took in the red metallic shine of the paper case and the curves of the icing. Merlin sighed and tried to ignore the flustered whispers around him.

"So what do you think of our newest edition" giggled Gwen "isn't he delectable"

"Please" Merlin scoffed "he's an over-rich, over-priced novelty confection"

"Sounds like someone's jealous" sing-songed Morgana

"Sure like I could be jealous of some season special, I bet he's not even fair trade"

"Sorry mate" Lancelot gave him a sympathetic glance "but when you have hunks of chocolate and mocha icing I’m not sure you need to be" 

"Overcompensating" Merlin muttered to himself before raising his voice to say "it's the principle of the thing! I’m ethically traded, discerning customers know and appreciate this. He's not even organic!"

Lancelot chuckled and gave him a nudge, "don't be so judgemental, I bet he's really tasty" 

The assenting murmurs from the confectionary section did nothing to improve Merlin’s mood.

"Face it kid" Lancelot shrugged "people like a good hunk..." Merlin glared at him "...of chocolate" 

"Yes" Merlin looked around in the vain hope that anyone would back him up “but what about standards? His chocolate shavings are not a patch on Morgana”

Morgana preened under the flattery “yes well not everyone can be 95% cocoa solids” angling herself so that the light reflected off the elegant gold writing on her wrapping, “his chocolate shavings would therefore be inferior”

"Oh I wouldn't mind some of his chocolate shavings" muttered Gwen

"You’re a lemon cupcake" Merlin protested "chocolate and lemon just don't go"

"Yes they do" Gwen huffed "my Christmas edition had white chocolate on top"

"I said it then and I say it now WRONG" Merlin sulked, attempting to block out the continued discussion of perfect iced peaks and the rich chocolate curls that nestled within. 

********************************

It was just Merlin’s luck that some clever person decided that they should really promote a healthy option as well as the calorie-ridden iced monstrosity everyone was currently drooling over. One minute he’s sat with the teacakes next he’s surrounded by pink tissue paper sitting snugly against said “lust muffin” with little cards saying ‘indulge your love’ and ‘love your heart’ in front of them for everyone to see. If it were possible for a granola bar to blush Merlin was certain that he would be red enough to disappear into the decor.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, any feelings of joy at being so close to such a luscious morsel (not that Merlin would ever admit to thinking such a thing) rapidly disappeared as the muffin addressed him. 

“What are you? You look like bird seed”

Merlin bristled "I’m a granola bar"

"What’s that? You don’t look much like a dessert, you're thin and knobbly and you look somewhat dry"

"I'm flaked whole grains and lightly toasted nuts and seeds with rich sultanas and apricots, covered in organic honey. I don't need to be some puffed up baked goods slathered in excessive mounds of icing, quality speaks for itself" 

“Well you don’t look like you’d be very satisfying”

“I might not be some carb-bulked monstrosity but believe me" Merlin said slowly leaning in so close to Arthur that he was brushing against the edge of Arthur’s icing "I’m satisfying, not a wham bam single sugar hit; I’m slow burning, stay full up, long lasting satisfaction"

Merlin let that thought sink in for a moment before pulling away and turning his back on Arthur. Merlin was aware that Arthur was watching him so he made sure he was lying back in the tissue so that the light shone off his honey glaze and showed his lightly golden toasted colour.

Silence reigned as Merlin and Arthur sat in their red tissue display resolutely ignoring each other both watching the people come and go past the counter; the morning commuter rush, the mums coffee morning around 11am, the lunch time rush, the business meetings, the students studying. Not a motion betrayed awareness of each others existence until just before closing when a child balanced on its mothers hip spotted Arthur and reached out its sticky fingers to grab at him. The first Merlin became aware of the situation was when he heard Arthur’s gasp and sudden subtle attempts to move. Merlin was about to bitch Arthur out for trying to move while on display when he saw the grubby fingers reaching out towards Arthur. Merlin's first thought was "typical, even grubby toddlers can't resist Arthur" then Arthur’s frantic shuffling backwards into him left him with a dilemma, either he does nothing and lets Arthur be taken by the toddler or he does something and he has to put up with the arrogant prat who thinks he's made of bird seed.

But Merlin’s out of time and he just reacts throwing himself towards the edge of the display stand rocking it enough that the stand tilts away from the toddlers hand so all that is grabbed is tissue paper. The stand tilts back into place throwing Merlin against Arthur in the middle of their case. The mother reprimands the toddler as she moves away and suddenly the threat is gone leaving Merlin and Arthur cocooned in upended tissue paper pressed together icing to almonds. Merlin found himself and Arthur staring at each other for a long moment until Merlin awkwardly ventured "close call"

Arthur regards him thoughtfully for a moment 

"Merlin, I... er... I just, that was..."

Merlin sat back watching Arthur’s cute fumbling for words, what cute? where did that thought come from? Merlin wondered. He pushed the thought away and concentrated on watching this prince of puddings stumble his way through a thank you.

"It’s ok Arthur" Merlin grinned” no thanks necessary for the, if I say so myself, impressively well timed rescue"

"That rescue, impressive?" Arthur snorted "I should be glad that we both didn't end up on the floor"

"Well that's gratitude" Merlin huffed "should have left you to the toddler, you were doing so well yourself"

"I had the matter in hand"

"Yeah of course you did, and I’m a steak and cheese Panini"

Merlin and Arthur both glared at each other before looking away. Merlin huffed and attempted to re-settle himself in the tissue muttering to himself about pompous ungrateful baked goods who couldn't admit ...

"Thank you"

It was very quiet, so quiet that Merlin almost missed it but enough to have him turning back to Arthur, who looked directly at Merlin and said, 

"Merlin, thank you"

Merlin beamed at Arthur, "you're entirely welcome"

****************************************************************

It was early evening and the post school rush was over and there were only a couple of customers in the shop, one girl curled up with a book on one of the sofa's and a guy at one of the tables nose to screen with his laptop. But Merlin wasn’t paying attention to that; he was sat in wonder listening yet again to Arthur moan about being trapped in the fridge over night with some rather appreciative cupcakes.

“I’m objectivised” protested Arthur, 

“You’re an objectivised lust muffin?” Merlin scoffed

“Yes, exactly! they’ll eat me alive, literally” Arthur said nudging slightly closer to Merlin “ you think I can’t hear them , all they talk about how they want some of my chocolate curls or the curves of my icing or how they’d like to get their hands on my hunky chunky pieces”

Merlin giggled

“This isn’t a laughing matter Merlin” Arthur huffed

“I’m sorry” Merlin said between burst of giggles “but hunky chunky pieces” 

Arthur huffed some more but his lips twitched at the corners at Merlin’s glee “it’s just, is that all I am?”

Merlin giggles stopped in his throat and he took the time to take a deeper look at Arthur before leaning in so that he felt Arthur’s icing run over his ...........

...Merlin woke with a jerk, limbs flailing as he sat up quickly. There was a low groan and a tuft of blonde hair stuck out from under the duvet 

"God Merlin, please tell me there is a good reason why I’ve just been kicked awake at this god forsaken hour" came the low grumble somewhere near the pillow. 

Merlin rubbed his eyes with his fists trying to make sense of the images going round his mind, "you're a muffin" Merlin blurted out. "But like a really attractive one with chocolate shavings and all the cupcakes wanted you and I was only a granola bar and I don't even like granola". 

Merlin reached under the duvet and shook Arthur’s shoulder rigorously "Arthur I don't like granola" 

Arthur stirred enough to pull Merlin close and wrap his arms around him "well I like granola" he mumbled into Merlin’s shoulder. 

Merlin felt his eyes droop and pressed himself closer to Arthur. Just as he was about to drift off he felt Arthur’s fingers gently digging into his stomach

"Merlin"

"mmm" 

"you think you might spend too much time at the coffee shop huh" 

Merlin hummed in agreement and snuggled further back into Arthur as he drifted back to sleep.


End file.
